confessions of a quitter: part one.

so jessica huester breezed into town from sunny bunny los angeles for the hollydays. we went out for some beverages last evening at the standard tap and proceeded to get an excellent drunk on. jess recalled when she first met me this blog on myspace about my quitting smoking. needless to say, anyone who knows this pathetic chain-smoker, i am still miserably addicted and involved in an abusive co-dependant relationship with phillip morris. so this got me thinking. when was this alleged myspace blog? and when was the last time i attempted quitting? within one-and-a-half minutes i had my answer.

Friday, May 27, 2005

nicorette totally blows

so this is my 17th attempt at quitting smoking and i'm the fucking worst at it. why is it that i can find the lamest excuse to have one? goddamn sin sticks. i know i look incredibly cool smoking and it feels oh so right, but i think i really want it this time. too many reasons to quit. number one- the "i'm not a chicken, you're a turkey" commercial finally got to me. number two- dan won't let me sing in any bands with him until i quit completely, because i can't wail to my full potential anymore. and dan's my ride to super-stardom. number three- i'm all out of money, and i could be spending that 5 dollars a day on feeding myself instead. it all makes sense and i understand and i want it but right now i'm totally dying for one of those delicious motherfuckers, i've knawed off both my arms in an extreme nicotene fit and am now typing with my tongue. basically, I'M IN HELL.

then looking through my comments i saw that after first failure, i made a second unsuccessful attempt on new years eve. i think i only made it three days if i remember correctly. la-hoo-sa-herrr. peter wayne burton (the 'urkel' to jess huester's 'laura') put it nicely, "nicorette only blows because you suck - literally. then, coincidentally, you blow too."

so here's attempt number 19? today begins day number four. got tha nicorette. (ninjarette) made it through a night of drinking some serious wine, which always seems to be the hardest part. i'm definitely older, maybe i'm a little wiser too. let's see how we dooooo dooooooo do do do. ah!

wish me luck!

i just! ate a bug!!

untamed heart is only like the saddest movie ever. ughhh. the sadness factor completely slipped my mind cause it's been like foreeeever since i've seen it. i was a big fat couch potato all night long. i drank soda. i ate chocolate. i only rose from the couch to get more soda and pee. it was glorious. so there i sat on the couch--crying my eyes out well after the movie finished at 1:35 am--completely wide wide awake (with work tomorrow morning!). so what's a sad sad girl to do?? ONLY WATCH ONE OF THE GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME!!!!

OVERBOARD!!!!!!!!!!!!



oh goldie. what a jem. what a jewel. what class and sophistication! and the outfits!!! if i lived on a yacht in the mid 80's and had buttloads of money i would want to look just like joanna stayton here.

so still wiiiiide awake but no longer a blubbering idiot (except for the scene when they pull away from the house in the limo and all the kids start running after her and pounding on the window and pee wee herman child yells, "you said moms don't leave!"). i swear i could watch this movie a million bazillion times. ahhh... "my life is like death. my children are the spawn of hell. and you're the devil." hee hee heeeee.

sooooo... supposedly there is a BOLLYWOOD film that was modeled after the greatness that is overboard ek ladka ek ladki (a boy and a girl) directed by vijay sadanah. and not just modeled after, but completely and totally like exactly the same. except it's a glamorous bollywood film. and it appears that there might be an extra twist/violence in the indian version. hmmm. i expect i will be seeing this movie very soon.

here is glorious birthday scene (sooo similar to o-board, y'all). amazing solo dance routine by the "joanna/annie" character at around 3 minutes. i expect all of you to learn this happy birthday song and perform it for me at my next birthday party.




okokokok... need to try and sleeeeeeeeeep. night night night!!!!!

my fav blog.

meet tavi. she's prolly the cutest little twelve year-old from chicago, illinois i've ever seen. a few weeks ago i stumbled acress her blog and flipped the fuck out. her blog's called style rookie and she blogs about school and her parents and pretty things but most insanely amazing and fabulousity are the outfits she crafts and the photos she takes of herself modeling the amazing outfits. she's just so eff-ing cute. as a god damned button.

i knew she was the cat's pajamas when i saw one of her older posts about grey gardens and the always fabulous "little edie" bouvier beale. tis a fabulous documentary from the 70's about jackie onassis's aunt and cousin living driving each other bonkers in run-down shit filled house in the hamptons with cats and raccoons. i saw the doc at big e's house last year and became insaaanely obsessed much with little edie. big e and i even fashioned ourselves home-made edie-style head wraps out of old curtains. which in turn sparked my turban obsession.

here's a video with oodles and oodles of little edie and her amazing outfits:



oh, and the part when she proclaims, "are you absolutely crazy? there isn't anything i can't do!" right before launching into a full on patriotic u.s.o.-style flag waving march/dance to a virginia military institute band record. it's beee-you-ti-ful.

a trip for auntie coo-coo.

so tomorrow, well, more like four hours from now claire and i will be embarking on a long early morning amtrak train to boston for our great aunt claire's funeral. she was my sister claire's namesake (who was also unknowingly born on the same day as aunt claire! so effing weird) and one hell of a woman. she led a totally rad life filled with all things fun and beautiful and she will be greatly missed.

even though the day will be filled with sadness, i really am looking forward to the train ride though. i love trains. i will be spending hours brainstorming songs with sis, visiting the bar car for breakfast beverages, meeting strangers, peering out the window romantically at the passing trees, "leaf peeping" if you will, and reading these three books i am currently reading at the same time. i have ADD. i also love to read so reading multiple books works so very well for the attention deficient. and the glutarded.















now considering i have four hours instead of three (thank you daylight savings time! seems like only yesterday we were springing ahead) i can relax and keep procrastinating the whole packing ordeal.

goodnight philadelphia, sleep well.

and now, through the burning bush cometh...

GOLDIEBOX!

we rise from the ashes and form a band the likes of which have never been seen! yes, ladies and germs: meet my super group. on keys/guitars/vox/bass: claire wadsworth (my blood), on drums: stephanie whitaker (my boo), and also on keys/guitars/vox/bass: alison wadsworth (yours truly-uly). it's pretty darn sweeet.

behold c & s on day one in new carpenter street practice space (since formation, existence of more equipment is evident. also with significantly more empty tea cups and cig butts):



it all started way back when (three weeks ago) when steph-rock brought her drum kit over. i was all bring that shit! and she was all it's already been broughten! then tim arnold came over and tuned the shit out of the kit and discovered a 3rd tom hiding in the bass drum. it was a silly/amazing discovery.

then we got to writing.

then we got a gig (continue reading for further information on gig deets).

then we got to some more writing and really started to get muy excitedo! currently we are at five! new! songs! including but not limiting to:

1. our first born song: zombie prom.
2. we only got this gig cause we fucked the headliner.
3. sex cannibal (co-written by dave cope).

please stay tuned for future hardcore band photographs--photoshoot scheduled with the one, the only CHUCKLES!!--which is destined for our professional-like myspace page (also on the rise). recording via garageband is the process, as are videos and other fun lil' tidbits. more importantly on the rise though, is ME. yes thine friends, ali's back from her musical coma. in like serious effect. and it feels fucking great. ahhhhhhhh...

UPCOMING NOVEMBER GIGS YOU NEED TO MAKE TIME FOR:

1. saturday, november 8, 9pm at the northstar bar, at 2639 poplar street. claire and ali sing with the fabulous andrew lipke for his huge record release party.
   
2. saturday, november 15, 8?pm at the fire, at 412 west girard. this be the first show ever with our totally new awesome 60's psychedelic glam rock band with dave cope, band name still in discussion. i'll get back to you on that one.
   
3. tuesday, november 25, 8?pm at the fire again. this also be the first show ever for GOLDIEBOX. huge. also part of andrew lipke's november residence at the fire.
   

be prepared for total explosions in your mind. AHHH!!!!!!!

back from the dead! an apology to you fair readers.

sorry sorry sorry. i suh-suh-suck! at blogging these days. what was ONCE (like three gotdamn weeks ago!) my favoritest past-time, slowly started drifting to the back of my mind waaay behind the phillies winning the fucking WORLD SERIES! and my fav day holloweener, janet moving out of our house (the maaaaayjah sadness just hit me as i typed those words), steph-rock moving in (excitedment slammed me as i typed those words too), oprah running away (she's back! hallelujah!!), and practicing furiously with my two new bands--aye carumba! i can't believe i haven't told you all about new dave cope project with, you guessed it, dave cope, and new carpenter street house band explosion, GOLDIEBOX. yes, 'tis named after the infamous philly roller girl, and yes, it's THAT good y'all.

needless to say, i'm totes sor. freals (thanks steph!).

will obvi be filling you in on all of these parts of my life in future postings. the future will begin now as i start compiling all of the backlogged data/pictures/videos/hilarity.

philadelphia freaks the fuck out.

hallelujah. praise be to the baseball gods. the phils are going to the world series. totes beyond sweet. claire and i wandered along broad street and ran into a lot of our drunk friends freaking the fuck out along with the rest of the entire city freaking the fuck out on broad street. here's when the shut broad street down.



and more mayhem. and cops.



and what would the phils going to world series be if we didn't see some fine drunk-ass philly white trash boobies??

jad + ali, sittin in a tree

meet jad. i love jad.

jad abumrad is the host of by far my totes fav NPR/WNYC shows radiolab. as you may well know i am in-your-face-annoying style about my love for NPR especially fresh air host extraordinaire terry gross, you bet your garden host mike mcgrath, and the car talk brothers tom and ray magliozzi, a.k.a. CLICK and CLACK. they are my special little buddies that entertain the shit out of me. i would get rid of all my friends just to hang with them for a day. jk dudes, jk.

but one person i would in fact trade all of you for is the always lovely jad. for cereal. oh did i mention i had a sex dream about him last night? ah... it was glorious. i don't recall much from the elusive dream, all i remember is his retardedly sexy smooth calming radio voice. and his rapist wit. and his intelligent little quips and engrossing stories. and his straight-up-now-tell-me sexiness. i tell you i can't stop thinking about him and his questions about the scientific and philisophical nature. what is time? what is morality? oh... where are you now jad? dang.

for all y'all that have yet to listen to radiolab, check that shit. you can listen to past amazing shows and learn lots of neat! fun! stuff! wow! yeah...! truly awes.

omg! omg!

did you EVER think you'd see the day when ali blogs about sports? (other than sports of the roller persuasion) well, the day has cometh. with avengeance!

i just can't help myself cause boyohboyohboyohboy! this is just waaay too exciting! the fucking phillies now lead the NLCS 3 to 1 after a super-uber nailbitingexciting win against the dodgers 7-5. the phils were glorious. even with the "pillowbiters"... you kick ass! double live gonzo! intensity in ten cities! live at budakon!

here's a little recap recap of the stupendous game!



"this might be over quicker than we think..." quoteth the portleman.

for a real proper-like re-cap of the game and all things phillies baseball and other sports stuff please go to the dalembert report.

go phillies!!!!!

baby you can drive my car... to the drive-in!

ahh... the delsea drive-in... how i love theeee! tonight i am waiting for a few pal-erinos to whisk me away to the only drive-in movie theater in the great state of new jersey. this may or may not be the last weekend it will be open for the season. not for sure sure, but i'm like pretty sure. a tear. this means the fall is straight up here! which is fine and dandy with me, i love me some holloweeeeeen! but i will miss you summer. we had some major bonding q.t. with you at our secret lost lake of vineland, new jerz and the dear dear drive-in. mostly with this crew hurrr: (claire, sarah, and steph)


here we are earlier in the sum-summah. don't remember much except for the fact that we drank two bottles of veuve, mad cheese fries, and laughed incessently. oh, the joy!

so, as it turns out i am going majorly behind my girls back. steph is working at swank bubs, and claire and sarah are both working at fergie's and are very very upset with yours truly for venturing to vineland without them. they are sooo jeal. but whatEVER! just cause you turds have to work i have to suffer to make you feel better. big NAY-NO to that one. sor.

sarah DID threaten me. and i got scurrrred. wanna know why? cause she did THIS to our door guy last night. yiiiiikes.



ooooh! here we go. yayayay. to all of you who have not visited this amazing land--you must before it's too late! i plan to making another voyage next weekend if it's still open. seeen? seen!

you must...

come to this party. it's gonna be off-the-hoooooooook!



p.s. barack obama is speaking in north-north phil tomorrow maaaaaad early. i WILL in fact be getting up at 5:45am to be there when doors open at 6:15. anyone wanna jump on the bandwagon with yours truly?? i'm a real jem in the morning.

here's to me! and me! and me! and meee!!!!!!

so on my birthday, i "worked" and by "worked" i mean got two extra people to work with (for) me so i could get incredibly wasted with all my friends but still make money on all my friends coming to see meeeee!

luckily! i brought my trusty new flip camera out with me so everyone could tell funny ali stories/testimonials. most are totes inappropes (in part because the "main theme" of the evening was partners of the intimate nature of alison wadsworth ha!), so an apology to part-time director eric mosca, some of the videos (which really truly are some of the greatest short films/clips i have ever seen--not just because they talk about my exploits and savageness--but because they were beautifully crafted into ultimate perfection/"art" and they're funny as shit) may not be shared by the blogmaster, i.e. me (in case my mother or ellen solms were to peruse this post, i would prefer not to hang my head in shame for the rest of my life). if you would like to have a private viewing of said videos, please contact thine blogmaster and she will make them available to/for you via email.

here they be.

janet nicol milliman's story has been removed by the blog master due to copyright infringement a.k.a. ali embarrassment clause code 8.13. unfortunately it's a very lovely story about a 17-year old named dirty dan.

brian nadav's story has been removed by the blogmaster due to the fact that it is extremely embarrassing on his his part. not mine. hence: i'm a good person.

behold lily cope flashing the camera with our daytona beach friendship shirts. bffaeaeaeaeaeaeaeae (times infinity):



samuel slaughter:



eric mosca (additional videos including "secret sexual subjects numbers one through four" may in fact be removed, due to copyright infringement a.k.a. ali embarrassment clause code 8.13):



eric kaplan's story is obviously true:



shawn "jawn" hennessey (additional shawn video may in fact be removed, due to copyright infringement a.k.a. ali embarrassment clause code 8.13):



bob babjak has a really funny story to tell:



timothy arnold in a sweeeeeeeeeeeet kangol hat:



brian mc cafferty:



jacob weiss (additional jake video may in fact be removed, due to copyright infringement a.k.a. ali embarrassment clause code 8.13):



like, elizabeth solms:



and... jonas. sweet, sweet lovely jonas t. oesterle:



ah. thanks for coming out and supporting this very grateful and thankful 28-year old. especially those of you that flew black from santa fe mad late the night before. and thanks to eric, eric, jarred, and brian who at the stroke of midnight pulled out a "birthday cake" with smuggled matches and whisper sang happy birthday to me mid-flight. it was oh-so-wonderful.

santa fe re-cap on it's way. just waiting on some JERKS to send me some pictures. anyday now...

happy birthday to meeeeeee!

whatwhat??! today's my birthday. i'm twenty-eight. recogniiiiiiiiize!

last night claire and stephrock threw me an impromptu fab birthday suprise party with lots-o-candy, wine, 'pagne, and scary masks when i returned totes late from the airport. (more to come tomorrow on glorious santa fe gourney, mentally exhausted from super weekend and physically exhausted from birthday drinking during the day at ray's happy birthday bar...) today mom came down from north north jerz to take me, claire, heidi and sadie out for BIRTHDAY PHO at my favorite vietnamese choo choo train place at 9th and race. then we went for a birthday shot.

mom got me this totes awes birthday prezzie. check it:



thanks ma! thanks to you i will have mucho video for my blog!! how excited are you now, my fine feathered blogowers?!

t'will be "working" tonight at the fire. thanks to my little helper paulo, i will be able to fully enjoy the company of my lovely friends stopping by to celebrate the greatness that is me. hope to see you there!!!

out of the office automatic reply.

hello my brethren!

so sor that i'm being a crap-matic blogger the past few days. i'm currently in santa fe, NM living in up for reeeeaaaals in honor of the union of abby fammartino and eric hickey. i am having waaay too much fun to stop having fun to blog about how much fun i'm having. but don't you fret! all will be documented for your eyes' pleasure after i return on sunday. then monday is my birthday. it's totes sweet and desert-y here.

until we meet again...

zombie, what?

yeah. we went to the zombie prom. it was sweet.

so i came back from my first band meeting/practice with cope david, who is hands down, my favoritest singer in the whole wide world. i am super-uber excited about our upcoming mega band/project--but more about that later...

so... where was i? right. came home and called my homegirl steph-dog and she was all like what should we do tonight? and i was all like i don't know. and then she was all like let's go see some live music! and i was all like that was totes what i wanted to do! so i mass texted mad peeps to see if there was any good shows a-happenin. then got mad responses but the one thing that caught mon oeille was a little something called zombie prom. and steph was sooooo down.

so we waited for claire (after getting in our bestest prom attire: me in 80's tube dress, steph as my butchy-man-date) who spent her day working as a server for the one! the only! elizabeth solms and super totes rad company sweet pea nourishment at a waaay swankalicious cocktail party in nut hill. we got the maj hook-up on the leftovers--for reeeeaaaals. excellent drunken munchies: the best goat cheese ever, local butter, chevre + mint spread, white bean + rosemary spread, beeeyoutiful bread (that i can't eat, obvi), steak!, and sooooo much more. thanks sliz!






so off we were! me and my two bull-dike-a-licios dates. it was like waaaaay fun. for those of you who didn't attend this year, make sure you get all bloodied and zombified up for next year's zombie prom which is put on by the philly zombie crawl to bring in the holloween season with a big bang! this year mr. halloween rang a big gong to commence the start of my favoritest season! we met zombie jesus and wierd zombie pirate dude and zombie flying monkey (who sneak monkey farted on claire. so messed up) and danced like there was no tomorrow to THRILLER!!!! you knooow i held that shit down on the dance floor!!!!

ah. it was sweet. and just so you know when you see me in the next few day i am seriously stained with fake blood. i can't get this shit off. i look like a mass murderer. any advice on removing blood stains from human flesh??

a gathering of gods. with really great hair.

i can't speak. (i guess it's a good thing i'm writing then, huh?! buh-doom-ching!) this... well, this is pretty much the greatest thing i have ever seen. reasons why you need to spend the next seven minutes and twelve seconds completely/totes engrossed by this phenomenomenom:

1. do these names mean anything to you? (and if they don't, i pity your soul) The Nuge! Vince Neill! RONNIE JAMES DIO!!! DON DOKKEN! Spinal Tap! Journey! ROB HALFORD & judas motherfucking priest! Twisted Sister! YNGWIE MALMSTEEN!!!!! iron maiden! Quiet Riot! Blue Oyster Cult! queensryche! uh, yeah, i know. your mind is exploding? mine too. it's okay. we'll get through this together. but just wait til you find out why they're all here, right now on this here youtube video....

which leads us to...
2. the fact that they formed this supergroup to raise awareness for starvation/famine in ethiopia. (remember bono and sexy sting singing so this is christmas? and bruce springsteen and tito jackson singing we are the world? well it's sort-of like that) it's true! this jerkoff-fest is actually for a good cause! i love imagining the thought-nuggets forming and how they morphed into this monstrosity. they're all fighting... not just to out-wail, or out-noodle next finely coiffed butt rocker, but fighting to "end hunger, man".

3. the hair. it's truly glorious. wowee zowee if this isn't a perfect example of how to look a) cool b) bitchin c)radical, then my name isn't alison "pistols and peonies" wadsworth.

4. the song. wha-wha-wha-whaaaa???? what the hell does it all mean? are you there god? it's me ali.

see for your self. it may just change your life. or haunt your dreams. save diff.




you know in the simpsons when marge is bitching at homer and you zoom in on his head and all that's going on is a monkey playing the cymbols? yeah, i'm homer. but instead of percussion monkey, i only see "we are stars" on repeat over and over and over and over again. serenity now!

great. wonderful.grand.

we sure showed that bitch.

so yesterday as i was juggling my bike and these delicious tasty treats for rachel davey's birthday partay, i got a frantic phone call from lily cope, "OMG. sarah palin's in town! let's go throw shit at her!" so i dropped everything--literally. the beautifully delicious cupcakes that i can't eat, became a congealed mass of pastel colored frosting--grabbed janet, and sped away to the irish pub (which is now numero uno on ali's boycott 2008 list). there, we found a screaming angry mob of philadelphia's finest: the democratoc par-tay-heyyyy!!!!

bitch was in our city for a fundraiser with all 4 of the philadelphian bow-tie/pearls wearing republicans. this is what the scene was like on the inside. she would like to thank you.



outside, it was mayhem. it was pandemonium. and it was angry. what the hell are you doing invading my city? screw you chumpstain! get out! most people shouted "OBAMA! OBAMA!" and "SARAH GO HOME! SARAH GO HOME!!" i shouted "DOUCHEBAG!" over a hundred times and "BOOOOED" like a goddamn champ. imagine me as THIS:



so here's what it was like OUTSIDE the irish shithole.



bow down to her if you want! bow to her! bow to queen of slime! the queen of filth! the queen of putrescence! booo! boooooooo! rubbish! filth! slime! muck! booooooooooooooooooooo!!!

ya know what could really help you sort through these important issues?

ORANGE MOCHA FRAPACCINOS!

ha ha.

this guy farted.

some glutarded evening... you may meet a stranger...

like marc summers from double dare!



it's true! it's true! he walked past us at the 5th Annual Appetite for Awareness hosted by the National Foundation for Celiac Awareness (NFCA) at the wachovia center last night. unfortunately i have no proof, as in cell phone camera validation, but you can take my word. and if that's not enough, you can take lily cope's word--which is stronger than oak.


buuuuuuut, we did meet miss philadelphia, the lovely brintha vasagar (bottom photo). she was accompanied by her dad who was oh so cute. i'm honored to have her representing our fine city. we also met who we thought was miss pennsylvania (top photo), but upon closer inspection we realized was "miss teen" pennsylavina in mega-fine print. we were drawn to her because of all of her jonbenet ramsey-like entourage following her around the fest. behold the girl in blue. her teeth sparkled with vaseline.

oh, how very un-ali-like. i forgot to mention my neck brace. well, there it is. i look cool, i know. but it's not just a fashion statement. it's actually holding my head up. i'm like an infant now. but after amazing massage from my friend deliah (jealous much, JESS??!) i'm currently feeling muuuch better. thank you for your concern.

in closing, we met ANOTHER celebrity. andre iguodala from the sixers. embarrasingly enough, we took the picture knowing he was a basketball player (only because of his height, and others gathering around for photos) but not who the fuck he was. we were hoping sam slaughter of the famed dalembert report to clear that up for us.


i am a goddamned midget next to both giants. geeeesh.