blowing my load.

my friend jess informed me that i regularly BLOW MY LOAD on my blog. i'll go for a week without writing anything then in one day i explode all over this here page with a million bazillion posts. then a whole nother week with a whole lotta nothin. then blau! explosions. well here's me BLOWING MY LOAD once again. for you jess.

and speaking of blowing my load... how about some 'load-blowing' related topics? hahaha.

my love of semen goes waaaay back to the days (insert obvious disgusting joke here you filthy pigs!) in 2003-2004 when i worked as an artist's assistant for the amazingly famous and amazingly amazing kehinde wiley. check his website out. his paintings are redic. my BFF emily weiner, who also happens to be an insaaane painter, got me the job. and good god! was it ever the greatest. we would get to his studio at the crack of 3pm, drink coffee, smoke cigarettes (oh the days when i used to smoke... haha!), listen to NPR and paint paint paint until he would wisk us away to some fabulous club and drink drink drink! those were the days. now he's entirely too famous to chat regularly with me, but still just as fabulous.

so, on the sperm tip: my very first day i showed up with weiner totes nervous. i had been living at my mom's house in north north jerz and had spent the previous months fighting nonstop with her. praise be the mom gods that i no longer live with her so we totally get along swimmingly now! so kehinde was working on a series where the backgrounds were seas of golden sperm swimming around these glam baroque figures. we started painting away and mom calls for the millionth time. i pick up and i'm all like "excuse me mother i cannot talk right now i am working" and she all like "ahhhh! you're such an ungrateful spoiled child!!! ahhh!!!!" (which i probably was at this point) and i'm trying to keep my cool around kehinde who is painting right next to me and i'm like "i will speak with you later mother dearest" and she continues to scream scream away and i hang up on her. frustrated and freaked out, i picked up my jar of GOLD LAQUER saying, "oh mother. she's such a card..." or something like that and with a nervous arm spasm proceed to SPEW THE ENTIRE JAR OF GOLD LAQUER ALL OVER THE HALF FINISHED CANVAS. you should have seen weiner's and my face. mortified wouldn't even begin to explain. i had already accepted that i would definitely be fired, and that i might even owe this man 100,000 or something like that. it was my first day!

so then kehinde sees the spill. he yells, "stop right there! hmm... it looks like a cum shot. i love it." and there it was. i continued to work for him to my deeelight and my splooge ended up making it onto the cover of ART FORUM. hee hee. well here's the painting:



so here are some more sperm related items. this week on my favoritest NPR SHOW RADIOLAB (jad.... ahhhh.....) the subject was SPERM!!!! check it out! they address the idea that since we can freeze sperm indefinitely, why are the men still around??! hee hee. listen for the answer.

hmm... all this blogging is making me hungry. might have to whip myself up something deeeee-lish! from this here cookbook! ahahaha!!! it's totally real and totally a semen cookbook.

Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. This book hopes to change that. Once you overcome any initial hesitation, you will be surprised to learn how wonderful semen is in the kitchen. Semen is an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist. If you are a passionate cook and are not afraid to experiment with new ingredients - you will love this cook book!

what a superdeeduper holday gift that will make! check out this recipe for the almost white russian (not pictured are the man-made oysters and creamy cum crepes. dead serious.):



now's the time when i wish i had a cigarette after that load. haha jk guys. jk.